Sunday, March 30, 2014

ASIAN FEMALE, WHITE MALE

Let's cut to the chase here: there are more and more Asian female, White (fine fine, Caucasian) male couples out there. I've been part of more than one as well (no, not at the same time, geez!). Inspired by this cringe-worthy attempt at satire, I thought I'd give my thoughts on this.

I can't say for certain why white guys like Asian girls (I'm not a white guy, how would I know?), but one of my guesses would be this: we are different enough in appearance and culture to seem more "exotic" than their white female counterparts, but not SO different that we're completely foreign. Allow me to explain: while yes, most of us do have black hair, dark brown eyes, and yellow undertones in our skin, for the most part, our overall body image and style preferences do not differ very much from a white girl's. Both Asian and white females put an emphasis on being slim, having long, shiny hair, and have a preference for similar styles of clothes and brands. In social and academic circles, we often occupy the same space, so there is that proximity factor. Yes, I know there is that whole "Yellow Fever" fetish thing, but that's been talked about so often that I don't feel like repeating it here. Also, I have dated white guys before, and only one of them seemed to have a fetish, while the others have a (non-creepy) preference. Call me naive, but I do believe there is a fine difference between the two.

Why do I say this? Probably due to my own personal preference toward Caucasian men. I can't speak for other Asian women who look toward the Caucasian persuasion for a mate, but I can speak for my own. First, let's get this clear: I like Asian guys as well. Wait, let me re-state that: I like Asian-American guys. More on that later.

I was born and raised here; a majority of my neighbors and classmates growing up were white-Americans (mainly Italian and Irish descent) so naturally, my first crushes and friends were also white-Americans. The faces on TV? White. The faces on ads? White. Though I know what race I am (always have, I mean I grew up with mirrors you know), I am not constantly aware of this until someone feels like pointing it out (mockingly and cruelly as a child, but less so as an adult). I have always identified as being a Chinese-American. I have Chinese immigrant parents, who came to America, and then had me and my brother. So this is where we circle back to my previous emphasis of liking Asian-American guys. I have to stress the American part because of who I am to the core. I embrace both sides of my ethnic/cultural identity, but I lean more toward American. I have dated AA's before but the ones I failed to find a connection with are the ones who lean toward their Asian identity and then make me feel bad for not doing the same. This is where the switch goes off for me. You know how there's a saying that goes along the lines of, "a girl wants to date a guy that reminds her of her father?" This is totally not true for me. I love my dad, but he has traits that I rather my partner not have. He chastised my brother and I for speaking English in his presence, he was always grumpy when my mother didn't have a proper Chinese dinner prepared every night, and he just seemed to resent the fact that his American-born children weren't "Chinese enough" for his liking. This is how I felt my Chinese-American prospects judged me. I just wasn't "Chinese" enough for them and they weren't "American enough" for me. Granted, we all ended up friend-zoning each other so this is probably the reason why a majority of my platonic male friends are indeed of Chinese (Hong Kong and Taiwanese as well, don't bite my head off) descent. I seem to have better luck with Korean-American guys, which may attribute to the "similar enough to feel familiar but different enough to keep things interesting" factor. I know White does NOT equal American and vice-versa. But the white guys I'm speaking of here are the white-American guys. Their American-ness is more in line with my own American-ness. Even if they are first generation European-Americans, they don't seem to have that pressure to maintain their parents' home country traditions as much as children of Asian immigrants do. They are hardly ever Gringo-shamed.

So let's get to the (white) meat of the matter: Caucasian males. First, the obvious: there are just more of them in the U.S. Second: their physical appearance. I am aware that a majority of white men (and men in general) do not look like Chris Hemsworth (TOO BAD RIGHT?) but Caucasians have a bit more variety in their appearances than we Asians do (no we do not all look alike, but a majority of us do have the same hair and eye color). Variety is the spice of life, and I like my spice. Also, height. I'm 5'5 and I like my stilettos. I'd prefer my date to still tower over me when I've got my heels on. I've spent my entire childhood and adolescence being called "tall for an Asian girl" and having to feel like a giant troll next to all my other neatly wrapped, petite Asian gal pals so it's a nice feeling to be the small one for a change. (If you're wondering if I'm a heifer, the answer is: I'm a size 2 and sometimes 4 if I've had enough Hot Cheetos that week...I am just not as delicately small framed as most of my Asian girl friends who are 5'0 and easily size 00 so I look large in comparison). Not many Asian males hit the Jeremy Lin height mark (not very tall for an NBA player, but tall for an average person, and especially tall for an Asian person...speaking of Jeremy Lin, he's quite fetching, I'd like to attend a Rockets game  and then make him a sandwich after because basketball makes you hungry...does this make me a "puma"?) but there are more tall people in the Caucasian lane.

Aside from appearance, I just tend to be more intrigued by men who had a different upbringing than I did. More often than not, a Caucasian guy will have a different childhood than I did. His parents are different, his traditions are different, sometimes he moved from a different hometown and so his experiences are way different too. I want to share my world with his and I want him to share his world with me. It makes for a more interesting union when two different worlds come together, rather than two similar worlds just overlapping. I'm a city girl, and I kind of dig that small town golden boy thing. More often than not, these boys are white. Sure it's a weird, unfair preference toward novelty, but different strokes for different folks.

Lastly, it just boils down to chemistry. I may have been long winded about my preferences, but the one thing I cannot explain is chemistry. The spark is either there or it isn't, and for whatever reason, my spark is just very specific.

Sunday, January 26, 2014

LULU, AKA YELP FOR RATING DUDES

So by now, some of you have already heard of the app, "Lulu" which allows us ladies to anonymously rate guys...some dub it the "Yelp for rating dudes". However, certain problems arise:

1) Unlike Yelp, these reviews are totally anonymous, are limited to whatever hashtags are provided by the app to describe the guy, and the person being rated does not know they are being rated (although I believe now that a guy can request to be rated).

2) It can bring out the psychos and the mean girls (hell-o digital Burn Book!) because of the anonymous factor, there are no repercussions for trashing a guy, and there is no incentive to be truthful, either.

3) Hypocrisy. A handful of the guy friends I've shared this with (a few had positive ratings, and the rest were not rated) were disgusted at the idea. They, along with others opposed to this app, brought up a good point; what if there was an app that allowed guys to rate girls? There would be an uproar!

I named the bad, but here are some good sides to the app:

1) Let it all out, girl! If you have been unfairly jilted and want to prevent the same bad fate to fall upon other women, then you can pass the word along without having to literally say anything.

2) It's not all bad. While an app like this could cause major damage to a lowly rated guy, many of the ratings I've seen are positive. I've given several out as well! I wanted to generate positive publicity for my awesome guy friends so I rated them truthfully, in case any girl out there was curious about them. As for the boys I've had negative experiences with, I either could not locate them on the app, or, once I got to their page, I felt like it would contribute nothing to my day if I used Lulu for evil.

3) It's entertaining. The app is like "Hot or Not" but with words! And only one photo of the guy (likely whatever his current FB profile pic is).

The overall summation: If anyone were to fight to shut Lulu down, I would not be opposed. If Lulu comes out strong and survives, I would also not be opposed. This app seems to mainly target the college and recent post-college set, so after a while, it does get stale if you don't fall into that category. I deleted the application after a couple of weeks because I no longer found it relevant to me.  I can imagine how ratings on an app like this can spread like wildfire through a college campus but we have so many other distractions in life that I can't see this as being too detrimental for too long. However, if the situation were flipped--if the gentlemen got a chance rate us, I believe we would have a much bigger problem at hand. 

Rate away...or not. 


Thursday, September 12, 2013

STUFF SINGLE PEOPLE ARE TIRED OF HEARING



Semi-recently, Buzzfeed posted a delightful article entitled 24 Things Single People Are Tired of Hearing and as a single person, I could not agree more!

The ones that especially hit home for me:

#1) “…You’re so great”
I love my friends and I know they love me which is why they would say something like that, meaning for it to be a compliment but in reality makes me check myself. While I don’t think I’m “so great”, I’d say overall I am a fairly nice, normal person with strengths and weaknesses just like everyone else. Which doesn’t make me feel any better; if I’m “so great” why am I still single? Yet, if I’m nice and normal, again, why am I still single?

#6) “You should try online dating…”
After me being stuck in a rut a few years ago, my best friend suggested that I should give online dating a go. This past spring, when I actually dipped my toe in the ocean of online-dating, she seemed surprised. She explained to me that she meant for me to try it if I was “thirty and had no prospects”. Ah, so it was meant to be a last resort.

#11) “…You’ll wish you were single”
While most of my friends are not married (a few are, with some who are engaged or soon-to-be engaged), I tend to hear a lot of “I wish I were single” comments from my attached friends. Relationships can be stressful, but this statement is somewhat ludicrous. This statement usually comes from the trapeze daters, too. I’ve been in relationships of varied lengths of time and I’ve been single at varied lengths of time as well. There was only one instance where I wish I was single and that was because the guy was psycho.

#13) “You’re too picky”
My standards are not abnormally high or low. I won’t bore you with the details of criteria in my “ideal guy” or whatever, because when it comes down to it, chemistry (both physical and emotional) is what matters. I just happen to not have chemistry with THAT many people, although I have dated guys that I didn’t have very strong chemistry with and it didn’t last.

Ah, my post got a bit rant-y. To sum things up, I appreciate what my friends try to do for me and my single self. I get that it’s hard to relate to someone who is single when you are in a different situation. Can’t speak for all singletons out there, but all I really need is for them to let me vent, and maybe swap stories with, then go about our day.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

NICE GUYS FINISH LAST....?


This is probably one of the reigning kings of all clich├ęs. The thought was inspired by conversations with real-life nice guys such as my brother, two close friends, and an ex-boyfriend. So do you nice guys finish last? You might if:
  1. “Nice” is the only thing you have to offer. As in, it takes up more than say, 70% (just throwing out a number here) your noticeable personality traits. A friend of mine was throwing a house party last summer and invited the object of his affection. At that time he knew she was not interested in him but invited her anyway. Well she brought her new boyfriend along and let’s just say drama and reality hit my friend hard. When asked why he even bothered to extend the invite, he said he did not want to come off as a jerk by excluding her. Safe to say, sometimes it’s okay to exclude people that will make you uncomfortable in certain settings. Is this selfish? Slightly, but forgivable. Also, other than screwing yourself over, nobody gets to see the other great qualities about you. Are you witty? A great athlete? Well, if your niceness is overshadowing these traits, then nobody is going to notice. It okay to let your peacock feathers out once in a while!
  2. You are running in the wrong race / playing in the wrong game / have no game. Opposites attract and that may be a good explanation as to why so many nice guys are dating raging lunatic bitches. A nice guy may be more drawn to someone who is different than he is, and usually that is a woman he can’t keep up with but can’t help himself because he is hooked on the chase. Sometimes that woman is a raging lunatic bitch, and sometimes she is perfectly normal, but just not interested in him. Instead of dusting yourself off and expanding the search, you may just end up chasing the same type of women over and over again, because after all, you’re a nice guy, and people like nice, right? Here’s a tip: either stop chasing after women you can’t keep up with and don’t overlook the ladies that are also “nice” like you, or step up your game. The latter is a bit more challenging, I know.
  3. You’re not hot. I hate saying this, because it is so utterly shallow and it makes me cringe! But, looks matter. There’s inner beauty yada yada but outer beauty is something explicit and at face value.  However, I would consider this the least important out of the three because not everyone has to be good looking to survive the dating world. I just wanted to round out this list with 3 items and this was reasonable enough. You don’t have to be “hot” in a Channing Tatum sense, but just be physically appealing to someone out there, and that usually involves a degree of personal hygiene at least.

Please keep in mind, these are merely opinions I have formed over the years, knowing and dating nice guys myself, and also being what most would consider a “nice girl”. However, as of late,  I’m getting bored of life and would not mind dabbling in some bad behavior ;)

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

KISS AND TELL

They say a gentleman doesn't kiss and tell. Well, I am no gentleman so I've kissed and I am telling.
I've wondered if there is any concrete way of confirming how good (or bad) of a kisser one really is. Do you just trust someone telling you that "you're a good kisser"? Or, if they continue to kiss you, should you take it as a signal that you aren't too shabby? I've only been corrected once on my technique and that was when I was 14 (it was my first kiss, and it was far from his first..anything. Man, that boy got A-ROUND) and every experience afterward has been critique-free. So I will assume I am fine in that department until proven otherwise.

However, nobody wants to read about the positive stuff. You want the dirt, dontcha?? I was fortunate enough not to have encountered too many bad kissers but the bad ones surely made an impression. Here are two that stood out:

"Saliva Sam"
No his name is not Sam, thought I'd spare him the embarrassment of revealing his true identity. This was a guy I thought was hot since my earlier college years so when we finally kissed, I was delighted, until I realized how much of his saliva ended up on my face and neck. All things aside, he really was a good kisser but I was not looking for a spit shower, sir. I liked him enough to look past it but things didn't work out (non-saliva related issues).

"Peckin' Pete"
Again no real names used. I was actually not attracted to this guy in any way or form, but I was going through a serious date drought and he seemed like a nice guy. Was he nice? Yes. Was he a good kisser? Noooo. This guy had thin lips (now that I look back on it, most guys I've dated and/or kissed had nice, full lips) so there was no cushion for the mouth pushin' (hey, you come up with something better) and he did this weird thing that I can only describe as part suction, part pecking. It was as if he was trying to exercise his neck muscles by all these weird motions he was making. Worst of all, he was very into PDA. Now I don't mind holding hands or a quick kiss, but he would just grab me in the middle of the street and start making out with/pecking repeatedly at me. I pulled out the dating stop sign on that one.

Share your horror stories!


Wednesday, July 3, 2013

HOT OR NOT, LIKE, POKE, E-PROP

OK so that last part (e-prop) was thrown in there for comedic effect. This entry is inspired by an article I just read on Sheckys about dating apps. The horrible world of dating apps!

I was telling my guy friend how hard it was to meet people since I work in a female and gay male dominated industry, and that I recently cancelled my account at a well-known dating site. He suggested I join Tinder and my mouth curled in disgust. How dare he?! I was not looking for some quickie on the hetero version of Grindr, mind you. And might I add, there was a CSI:NY (or was it Law&Order SVU?) episode where that kind of app got a girl raped and killed!

Look, if you want to use Tinder or Grindr or DontTellMeYourNameLetsJustBang (I just made that up, maybe I should copyright it?) then that's you. Some people are looking for a quick hookup and some people are genuinely looking for love, I understand that. But it just bothers me that this is what "dating" has come to, as if life isn't unromantic enough. *HUFFS AND WALKS AWAY*

Monday, June 24, 2013

THE 3RD/5TH/7TH WHEEL

Last week I decided to quit/take an indefinite break from online socializing (yea I still refuse to use the term "online dating"). For now, I would rather spend more time with friends I actually know versus forcing myself to get to know a complete stranger. Don't I sound so outgoing?

In doing that, I realized...I am putting myself in the position of being a 3rd/5th/7th, etc wheel. I've planned out a bunch of free/cheap activities around the city this summer and I realized, despite being the coordinator, I will be the lone cheese, essentially. It's a good thing I am already friends with or like the significant others of my friends or else I'd be bringing the rain to my own parade. It's also a good thing I have just about a handful of single friends that I can force/gently coerce into going with me to said activities :)

I'm going to have to get back on that digital dating horse (wow I paint with words I tell you!) someday because I don't want to whine about being single forever and also to spice up this blog a bit. I'm previewing 2 other sites so I'll just wait and see when I have enough cajones/boredom to officially join them.

Meanwhile, here's an article from Refinery29 that single ladies should take a peek at, if only for entertainment.