Sunday, August 17, 2014


I went to a lovely surprise birthday party for a friend, which was hosted by his lovely fiance. A friend and I were getting our hands dirty, preparing food when my ex-boyfriend arrived. My friend whispered to me, "that's [insert girl's name here]". I figured as much. My ex walked between us with said girl and gave me a hello hug and then introduced me to the girl in tow. I apologized for not being able to shake her hand since I was preparing food, so she gave me a hug instead and proceeded to prep the food with us.

It was an awkward moment, yet it should not have been. You see, I no longer have any romantic feelings toward my ex-boyfriend and I am positive he has no romantic feelings for me. I think it's because her kindness (or oblivious bubbliness) completely threw me off. I consider myself a nice person, but I keep my distance when I am unfamiliar with you, especially if there is a specific reason I am unfamiliar with you. The fact that she was so kind either meant she was oblivious to who I was, or she was completely aware of who I was, and yet was so confident that I was no threat to her that she felt comfortable enough to cozy up to me. Either way, it was very big on her part, so it made me feel even worse for being uncomfortable with her presence.

Despite having a great time with wonderful company, the feeling kept nagging at me. I was trying to rationalize how I felt but I think the main reasons would be due to my territorial nature and the insecurities of being single. About being territorial; I was friends or at least friendly acquaintances with the majority of his friends before we started dating. During the year we dated, part of the reason why our relationship was so enjoyable was that I knew I was already accepted by the group, and we all grew a bit closer. Upon our breakup, I respectfully kept my distance from the majority who I wasn't already close friends with but with time, I felt more comfortable attending birthdays and other gatherings, with or without my ex there (we actually continue to be friends, which is nice). Now with the new girl in the picture, I now have to accept that she has inserted herself into the group and there will always be a chance I will see her around and obviously, cannot ignore her for sake of comradery. I am now only one of a few females who hang out with that group who isn't a girlfriend/fiance/wife of a male in that group. This is a very, very tight knit group.

Now on to the insecurities of being single. When I dated my ex, he was immature and inexperienced, despite being a little bit older than I am. He was a sweetheart, but I had to break him in and it wasn't always easy. We ended up not working out, which we both eventually accepted, but now he is with someone who is seemingly not only on his maturity level, but he does not really need any breaking in at all. It was as if I had to deal with the blisters so someone after me could slip into a comfortable pair of loafers. Not that I'm explicitly comparing him to a pair of shoes, but you get it. Where did he meet her? I'm not sure but I can only guess through his younger friends. Meanwhile, I'm here going on dates that lead to nowhere with guys who have serious commitment-phobia.

So what's next? Avoid social gatherings when I know he'll be in attendance or just suck it up and just accept his current girlfriend's hand in friendship? Knowing me, I will probably be somewhere in the middle.

No comments:

Post a Comment